Only 184 Days Until Christmas!

Another clown figurine for those tender times when you have to give a gift to someone you don't like. However, make sure you'll never see them again. Re-gifting is a bitch . . .



Dead clown eyes, beaver fangs, hands out of a Tim Burton movie, yes, this waste of resin has it all! Remember, just say NO to clowns. Today your curio cabinet, tomorrow your liquor cabinet.

No Thanks . . . I'm Not Hungry Anymore . . .

And I'd really like to leave now. No, I don't want a Happy Meal!



It was only a matter of time until I found just the right image to reveal just how creepy Ronald McDonald really is. This is a life-size plus head that fit over the helium tank. It's the huge leering smile. It's the cheesy red hair. Nah, really, it's the eyes.

::shudder::

And the manager can't figure out why he can't keep servers . . . and why there are no cats anywhere in the neighborhood.

Souvenir of the Circus?

Or Survivor of the Circus?

With the leering "better to eat you with . . ." smile on that clown, I think the second is more likely!



And everyone wonders why nobody goes to the circus any more!

Clowns and Black Velvet . . .

A match made in . . .

A match made in . . .

A match made in a sleazy low-rent flea market somewhere on the Texas-Mexico border.



The only thing worse than a clown painting is a clown painting on black velvet! It doesn't even have the cache of being vintage crap! This type of junk is being churned out in Mexico and trucked up here to pollute our flea markets. The scary thing? They wouldn't do it if it wasn't selling. So, just like with drugs, we Americans have only ourselves to blame.

Yet Another . . .

Decorating epic-fail!



My usual snarkiness is deserting me. These clown plaques defy vilification. I think I'll just hum a little tune and let you enjoy the photo. These are being sold in the secondary market, so they were used by someone. Imagine the buying or gifting decision that went into this particular decorating choice. C'mon, imagine it!

Clown Porn

Warning, this post contains images of clowns, lingerie, and some nudity, not a good combo for work, for young children, or for the easily offended or nauseated.

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A whole new take on blow up dolls. Sigh, another young life ruined by becoming a clown groupie. I wonder which floppy bow tie her picture ended up on!

PS: FTC Statement: This image is used with the permission of "YesterdayGirls". I am an amateur blogger and received no consideration for use of this photo. In other words, I am not a paid shill.

Hickory Dickory Dock . . .

There's a clown inside my clock,



The clock struck one,

I tried to run,

My front door IT did block . . .

Remember, you were warned here!

Trouble Getting Your Kids To Turn Off Their Light?

Not any more! (MOM, turn it OFF! MOOOOOMMMMMM! I'll be good I promise!)



However, I couldn't sleep knowing this was on the table next to my bed. On the flip side, the monsters under my bed would be too scared to come out.

Aside from the freakish blood smeared face, it is the hands that bother me the most. They are too detailed, too realistic, and too . . . I don't know . . . dainty to be from a clown (ya know, no floppy gloves). Makes me think of horror stories of real people being encased in clay and turned into sculpture. Okay, I'm oooged out now.

Red Skelton Was A Genius . . .

Most of the time . . .



Am I the only one who thinks this is what the cop saw coming just before Zsa Zsa Gabor slapped him??

Even someone as clown-centric as Red Skelton couldn't suppress the evil forever!

Serial Killer Clown . . .

Thinks no is funneh . . . Thinks he'll killz you now . . .



This is a signed painting. The grim face, the white skin, the frowning mouth that looks like it is smeared in blood. I think the artist really captured the essence of clownfoolery, don't you?

I'm thinking this original work of artz (the only saving grace is that there is only one) should go in the hallway. The dark hallway, leading to the attic . . .

There's Art And Then There's . . .

This . . .



A face only a mother could love, when she came to duct-taped to a kitchen chair and gagged with a sock.

Am I Pretty Now?

Another in our series of questionable taste in tacky enamelled jewelry. An empty-eyed slack-jawed clown on my lapel just screams style and sophistication. Don't you agree?

Advertising Is Supposed To Make People . . .

Want to do business with you!

Then there is this promo piece for the Tanner Bank . . .



I've never heard of Tanner Bank. Looking at it's advertising campaign, I know why!

But, It Has Gold On It . . .

So, it must be decorative and valuable!



Ummmm . . . those shiny lips and empty eyesockets that follow you everywhere . . . yes, that's just what that alcove needed . . .

(Ever see "Jeepers Creepers" If so, think of the very last scene. If not, then you are seriously behind on your horror movie watching, get thee to Netflix!)

More Artze . . .

The difference between this painting and Monday's?

No one is trying to convince me that this mess is valuable.



And grandma couldn't figure out why the kids never wanted to spend the night in her back bedroom after she had gone to all that trouble decorating it with clowns. All kids love clowns after all!

Zombie Night At The Circus

Ahhhh . . . isn't it sweet when a family all gets together and goes to the circus on family night.

It is so sweet to see that freak-faced zombies have families and smile for the camera just like everybody else.

What's that?

Those aren't zombies? They aren't visiting the circus? They're part of the circus?

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!



This photo of a clown cabal is from when I was a kid (yes, we had cameras back then). Is it any wonder I developed superior clown-avoidance skills at such a young age?

Artz . . . Ize Gotzit . . .

Somewhere along the way, the painter of this freakshow convinced someone that this was a good idea. It's actually valuable . . . or at least the art dealer is trying to convince you it is . . .

No really, it is valuable!

I'm art damn it!



Uh-huh . . . I've had dreams like this after tequila and sushi . . .

Four Out Of Five Dentists Agree . . .

That they do not want to be eaten by a circus clown. I'm not sure the fifth was listening to the question!



Posters like these were supposed to make people want to go to the circus. Gee, I can hardly wait (blech!). Many say it was the economy that killed off the big circuses, others say it was TV. Face it folks, it was the clowns and the artists that drew them.

Shocking and Disgraceful!

I am shocked! This museum should be ashamed of itself!!

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I'm shocked that this museum would hang that clown painting out where those poor nuns could see it! Epic Fail!! : )

Thanks to everyone who has made this blog so much fun to research and write! Stay tuned for more clownfoolery!

PS: This is "Visit To The Museum" by Frank Whipple, circa 1960. Culture, Ize gotzit!

This Is My Third Attempt . . .

To come up with a title for this post, so I am going to stop trying, just like the designer of this cookie jar stopped trying. I'm calling this fine specimen, "Hobo the Clown."

This clown epic-fail looks like Monday morning after it went on a weekend long bender and fell asleep in an alley where some punks came along and tagged it with graffiti.



Let's run down the checklist:

1. Dead drunk comatose x-ed out eyes - check!
2. Weird unshaven face - check!
3. Leering drunken smile - check!
4. Random colored lines that look like spraypaint - check!

Yup, this is a cookie jar to inspire and delight! Add "Hobo The Clown" to your countertop today and never again be bothered by the kids wanting cookies!

You Can Trust A Clown . . .

Even when they are standing outside your window in the middle of the night staring in through the glass while you sleep . . .



Another in the series that I call "Serial Killer Clown Figurines" or "Gifts For Roomies You Want To Get Rid Of." This fine specimen is 12 inches of resin creepiness. Packaged and ready to ship to you for $5.00. For $7.00 we'll ship it somewhere else!"

Clown Night In Rehab . . .

I know it's supposed to be anonymous, but I think someone smuggled a sketchpad into rehab (or the shelter on skidrow). Either that, or someone was having a hellacious hallucination/flashback.

Regardless, the result was more art that made you cringe when you visited grandma's house. This is one of those prints you hustled into a bag-for-a-buck garage sale, buried in an auction box, or dumped at the curb as soon as you got to clean out grandma's house.

Ewwwww . . . look at all the pretty colors and funny clowns . . . no, clowns aren't scary . . . come closer . . .

Can You Say Ewwwww . . .

Now, before you scroll down, you need to take a few precautions;

1. Put down your drink,

2. If at work, look both ways,

3. Remember that this image is from a flea market. That means that at sometime in its clownish existence, this sold at retail and hung in someone's home.

I am trying to picture the buying decision. Something like, "Hey, Susie has blonde hair, wouldn't this look cute in her room?" or perhaps "Hey, my probation officer couldn't object to this! It's a clown . . . and little Susie . . . heh, heh, heh." Or finally, "I didn't know that defrocked priests could become clowns!"

You decide! Be prepared to be ewwwwwwwed out.


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Our Nation's Dark Secret . . .

The wanton abuse of baked goods . . .



Actually, I believe this cookie jar was the inspiration for Stephen King's Pennywise crawling out of the sewer . . .



But that's just me.

Childhood Trauma . . .

Is not funny . . .

Okay, maybe it is!



I secretly believe that "Pizza The Clown" is a paid shill for the local child psychologist because this poor little girl is going to need therapy. At least she is developing valuable clown-avoidance skills for later in life. I doubt her room will ever look like yesterday's post!

Ever Have A Bad Dream . . .

Where you are trapped in a room full of clowns?

It could happen!



And little Jenny could never figure out why her friends never wanted to come to her slumber parties . . .

Tip of the day! Simple equation: Clown collection = social suicide

What Did Your Books Ever Do . . .

To deserve these bookends??



Please tell me one single place in any house that has ever stood where these demonseed hunks of molded and painted plaster are a good idea??

::crickets chirping::

I didn't think so!

Rock on fellow coulrophobes! Remember, we aren't laughing with them; we are laughing at them!

I Heart History Channel American Pickers!

Yes, I admit it, I love watching "American Pickers" on History Channel.

For many years my husband and I were dealers in vintage toys, pop culture and all-around American kitsch. My husband, in particular, was an accomplished dumpster diver. Mike and Frank take it to a whole new level.

So, I decided to check out Mike Wolfe's site at www.antiquearcheology.com and discovered that the clowns had infiltrated this excellent website, masquerading as Americana . . .



Heavy sigh . . . even Iowa isn't safe from the ICC : )

Even better, this fine specimen is for sale! However, Mike isn't fooled by this bit of clownfoolery. The caption reads: "This bad boy kind of creeps us out. Well made out of plywood and eighteen inches tall, mid-century. Amaze your friends with your finely tuned ping pong ball tossing skills." Words to live by!

My thanks to Mike Wolfe at Antique Archeology for his friendly response to my email asking for a chance to make fun of one of his pickins. Support this spirit of humor and cooperation by dropping by his website and tuning in to "American Pickers" (new episodes start on June 7th.

PS: FTC disclosure statement - This website is my opinion only and I received no renumeration or other consideration for the content presented here. In other words, I am not a paid shill of Antique Archeology or the International Clown Cabal.